Internal Struggles
Internal struggles are something every artist is familiar with. The vulnerability, the expectations of clients, the scrutiny, the pressure, and the negative self-talk can be overwhelming. So how do we handle those struggles when they arise?
Transcript
Hi, this is Matt Stagliano and thanks for being
Matt Stagliano:part of the artists Forge. We're a community of creatives who
Matt Stagliano:help each other think like an artist. By discussing creativity
Matt Stagliano:as a process instead of a skill or a talent. We believe everyone
Matt Stagliano:has what it takes to create something amazing. We just need
Matt Stagliano:some encouragement and inspiration along the way. What
Matt Stagliano:you're about to hear is a live recording of one of our daily
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Matt Stagliano:I encourage you to join our private Facebook group, or visit
Matt Stagliano:us on the web at the artist forged calm. Now on to the show.
Nicole York:Welcome to morning walk and photo talk with the
Nicole York:artists Forge. So glad to have you here with us on this
Nicole York:beautiful morning. Hopefully, it's beautiful, where you're at.
Nicole York:And hopefully you're already having a great day. And
Nicole York:hopefully joining us this morning is making your day even
Nicole York:better. Alright, so yesterday, we had a comfy morning
Nicole York:conversation, just a chance to chat about whatever popped up.
Nicole York:So that hopefully we would be relaxed and prepared for the
Nicole York:rest of this week, which is going to be a little bit more
Nicole York:intense as we take our previous week's conversation about how we
Nicole York:deal with conflict and confrontation. And we move that
Nicole York:into internal conflict and confrontations that we have with
Nicole York:ourselves, about the things that we struggle with. And of course,
Nicole York:that encompasses a plethora of experience everything from
Nicole York:things like fear to self sabotage, our internal
Nicole York:narratives, what our mindsets are, if we have imposter
Nicole York:syndrome. If we're perfectionist, there's just a
Nicole York:host of potential things that artists particularly struggle
Nicole York:with, in a big way. Because we are often competing in a
Nicole York:marketplace, where the quality of our output is a big part of
Nicole York:our ability to compete, which means there are constant
Nicole York:struggles around things like our own self image, and competition.
Nicole York:It's it can be really difficult on our egos to do that. And add
Nicole York:to that for many of us trying to make a living, the fact that we
Nicole York:don't necessarily want to be business people, some of us but
Nicole York:we don't have a really another option. If this is a career path
Nicole York:that we want for ourselves, we need to learn to be good and to
Nicole York:excel at skills that aren't necessarily our favorite things.
Nicole York:If you're like me, running the business aspect is not your
Nicole York:favorite part. I'm an idea person and I want to make
Nicole York:things, I'm really great at coming up with plans and really
Nicole York:bad at executing them. So also, I know it may seem like
Nicole York:organization is a strong point, it is not. This is why my desk
Nicole York:is covered in sticky notes. And I have calendars and whiteboards
Nicole York:and everything all around, my husband looks at all of my all
Nicole York:of my things and still can't quite believe that I cannot
Nicole York:manage to do simple things like make sure I call the heating and
Nicole York:cooling folks. So they come out and winterize our swamp cooler.
Nicole York:So it can be a struggle. And it can lead to a lot of questioning
Nicole York:yourself and doubting yourself and fighting with things. And
Nicole York:not even all of that will come from our career. Some of that
Nicole York:will be a holdover from other experiences in our lives, maybe
Nicole York:childhood or other things we've gone through that have kind of
Nicole York:built a internal monologue on repeat, that is not the most
Nicole York:beneficial to us. You know, sometimes those are things
Nicole York:around money. So this week, what I really want to do is begin by
Nicole York:hearing from y'all. What are some of the things that you
Nicole York:internally struggle with? And how can we tackle those things.
Nicole York:And of course, we'll start today with the folks up on the panel.
Nicole York:But I want you to think in terms of the fights that you have with
Nicole York:yourself. The times when you either have self sabotage or
Nicole York:you've noticed when I come up against these kinds of
Nicole York:struggles, I compare myself to other people and I can't seem to
Nicole York:force myself to get out of that pattern and back to a healthy
Nicole York:place. Or these kinds of thoughts stop me from taking
Nicole York:risks when I know that's what I need to move my business forward
Nicole York:or I can't sell because every time I try to make a sale, I
Nicole York:hear this voice in my head telling me that nobody is going
Nicole York:to spend that kind of money. There are all kinds of internal
Nicole York:conflicts that we can have. So be thinking of those. That's
Nicole York:going to be the conversation for today. And I do have to let
Nicole York:everybody know it is my my middle kiddo is going back to
Nicole York:regular school today, which is for the is the first time since
Nicole York:the pandemic started. And so I do have to go in and drop him
Nicole York:off and on I'll be I'll be leaving maybe a little bit
Nicole York:early. So just to just be prepared for that this morning.
Nicole York:But in the meantime, I want to hear from you guys. What's the
Nicole York:deal, y'all? What are we struggling with today? That way
Nicole York:we can kind of plan the rest of the week, and maybe a few of the
Nicole York:topics
Sissela:we want to make sure.
Bekka Bjorke:Is everything in acceptable?
Nicole York:Yes, but it requires example. Um,
Bekka Bjorke:I mean, I can go so back and forth, like, I'm
Bekka Bjorke:either ultimate badass, and nothing can stop me, or
Bekka Bjorke:absolutely overwhelmed with self doubt. And I suck at time
Bekka Bjorke:management, I always suck in time management doesn't matter
Bekka Bjorke:how I feel about anything else always suck and time management.
Bekka Bjorke:And focus is a big struggle. For me. I mentioned a while ago, I
Bekka Bjorke:don't remember what we were talking about. But I'm, like
Bekka Bjorke:really wanting to have control of my environment. And when
Bekka Bjorke:there's variables that I can't necessarily control, like things
Bekka Bjorke:like children and having to abide by other people's
Bekka Bjorke:schedules. It just wrecks my mindset. And it makes working
Bekka Bjorke:and focusing and really being 100% invested in the work at a
Bekka Bjorke:certain time really difficult. And oh, man, I feel like the
Bekka Bjorke:list can go on and on. But those are a couple examples. To get us
Bekka Bjorke:started on everything.
Nicole York:Yeah, okay. I definitely I mean, I'm there
Nicole York:with you on those. So being able to control our environment.
Nicole York:Obviously, sometimes that's an external trouble struggle, but
Nicole York:ends up having internal issues, right. Because once once that
Nicole York:environment has changed, or the schedule is different, we find
Nicole York:ourselves unable to force ourselves to make that work. So
Nicole York:I think there's definitely an aspect there that we can look
Nicole York:at, of how we can potentially reframe or change things so that
Nicole York:when we are forced out of our, our comfortable routines, we can
Nicole York:still function. So that's definitely something to add to
Nicole York:the list. I noticed Juliet had her hand raised, so would love
Nicole York:to hear from you. What are you struggling with Miss lady? What
Nicole York:are some of your
Juliet:good morning, everything that Becca just said, including
Juliet:that I was on a roll with work already. And I got a text from
Juliet:my daughter who can't function at school without her
Juliet:headphones, you know, it just like, Yeah, but my but my
Juliet:example is actually I was thinking about it and took big
Juliet:action yesterday after hearing you, which is that I have a
Juliet:studio in town. And it's and I haven't put a sign up yet. My
Juliet:designer made it and then I was like, Okay, I think it's really
Juliet:beautiful. But why is my name so big? You know, it's just like,
Juliet:it's just so I just can really laugh at myself. Because I know,
Juliet:I've been this is like a dream come true. And yet, I'm like,
Juliet:want to hide under my
Nicole York:Oh, boy, Man, that sounds familiar. Okay, so let's
Nicole York:see if we can figure out what the heart of that one is.
Nicole York:Because there's lots of potential reasons we might come
Nicole York:up to the thing that we're dreaming of doing and go oh, no,
Nicole York:and then not, not take the steps to complete it. So do you think
Nicole York:that comes from, you know, the the fear of finally starting to
Nicole York:realize your goals only to maybe find that it's not everything
Nicole York:you've dreamed? Or potentially the fear of failure? Or like
Nicole York:what do you think is is making you want to hide from taking
Nicole York:those final steps to announce to the world? Here I am. Yeah, just
Unknown:that part about being going public? You know, and just
Unknown:the, you know, I know, I'm not gonna hear about anyone who
Unknown:might be bad talking me or Who does she think she is? Or any of
Unknown:that kind of stuff? It's just Yes, some, some low grade, I
Unknown:guess it's not low grade, is there's some fear about that.
Unknown:And because I have, because it's a functioning studio, anyone who
Unknown:calls I just bring them there. And so I'm just sort of doing it
Unknown:under the radar. But, um, so yeah, this the being public
Unknown:things feels like the most, you know, just being more on stage
Unknown:feel. That's how it feels.
Nicole York:Right? And so there's, there's definitely a
Nicole York:vulnerability there, right. And an expectations you know, once
Nicole York:people know your business is there, all of a sudden you're
Nicole York:subject to these expectations, and it feels like everything you
Nicole York:do now is open to the scrutiny of all these people who were.
Nicole York:Yeah, absolutely. And I know for me, and you can tell me if this
Nicole York:is not the case for you, but it's certainly something we can
Nicole York:kind of add into our Our snowball that we're making right
Nicole York:now, I know the case for me is also, I am always afraid of
Nicole York:committing. Because I know that once I let it be known that I've
Nicole York:committed to something, I know I have to do the thing, and I am.
Nicole York:Now I can fail, right like, so if I didn't tell anybody, like I
Nicole York:told you guys I was, I've been being encouraged by the amazing
Nicole York:folks here to try my hand and see if I could get into a TED
Nicole York:talk, or a TEDx talk, I should say. And so I, I committed that
Nicole York:I would put in the application this month. And once you do
Nicole York:that, and once you let people know, I mean, once everybody
Nicole York:knows, then you can fail by not doing the thing. And so coming
Nicole York:up against that consequence. Plus, once you're committed to a
Nicole York:thing, it's about to change your life a little bit like I know,
Nicole York:committing to doing that, oh, right moment, I was going to be
Nicole York:writing a book all this month, and having to take and put aside
Nicole York:everything else. And once you're like, I'm going to do it all of
Nicole York:a sudden, everything changes. And I don't know that I love
Nicole York:that always. I've always hesitate right on the edge of
Nicole York:jumping off for a really long time. So you'll have to tell me
Nicole York:if any of that sounds familiar to you? Because if it does it,
Nicole York:definitely.
Unknown:Oh, sure. Like, I
Unknown:feel like now it's time to perform, you know, better get
Unknown:more regular on my Instagram. And you know, if it's really
Unknown:happening, let's show that it's happening. For sure. All that
Unknown:stuff. Yep.
Nicole York:Dance monkey. Feels. Okay, absolutely. So
Nicole York:that's definitely stuff that we can look at this week. sissala.
Nicole York:I know, you had your hand up as well. So what are some of the
Sissela:Hi, Nicole. I think my biggest struggle is fear of
Sissela:success, actually, you guys touched a little bit upon it, I
Sissela:have an intense fear of success, because that means that there's
Sissela:going to be more expectations. And I can't cruise as much as I
Sissela:like to do. It's also has something to do with. I know
Sissela:failure, failure is comfortable. Failure is familiar. Success, on
Sissela:the other hand, is an unknown. It's this big thing that are
Sissela:looming out there in the horizon. And I know that I want
Sissela:it. And I know that I deserve it. But I also know that I don't
Sissela:know exactly what it looks like. And I know that, once I'm there,
Sissela:I probably have to take a deep, hard look at myself and learn
Sissela:how to not be a master procrastinator and learn how to
Sissela:be consistent or just outsource everything that isn't creative.
Sissela:So yeah, that's my fear.
Nicole York:I'm so glad you shared that. And I think you
Nicole York:really touched on something there that's important for us to
Nicole York:think about when we look at internal conflict is you don't
Nicole York:know what success looks like. And I do think that a big part
Nicole York:of these internal struggles are us constantly looking to fall
Nicole York:back into our comfort zone. Even if it's not ideal for us, even
Nicole York:if the results of the comfort zone is like not everything we
Nicole York:want in the world. God, we want to get back there so bad. And
Nicole York:our brains are like, Hey, we know where we're safe, man stop
Nicole York:taking these chances of us getting hurt.
Sissela:Absolutely. And I think actually, there's like, primal
Sissela:instinct to it. As far as I know, it's something to do with
Sissela:fight or flight mode. It's safe to be what way are we know,
Sissela:like, unknown is scary and potentially dangerous.
Nicole York:Yeah, 100% even. And it's it's crazy. Even when
Nicole York:the situation that we're in is not beneficial, even when the
Nicole York:situation that we're in is actually deleterious for us. We
Nicole York:still require some kind of impetus to push us out of that
Nicole York:situation, simply because we know we were alive. And we were
Nicole York:we're we're familiar and that familiarity is safer than all of
Nicole York:the potential outcomes we could imagine. That could be way
Nicole York:worse, especially the higher you climb, the farther you have to
Nicole York:fall right and knowing that there's always going to be some
Nicole York:level of fear involved. Exactly. Yep, I feel you're there.
Nicole York:Alright, guys. So we have we've got some fear of success to talk
Nicole York:about. We've got comfort zones to talk about. We've got
Nicole York:vulnerability on a large scale that we're looking at, as well
Nicole York:as those things those habits and narratives we have built in.
Nicole York:Once we step outside of it, we find it really, really difficult
Nicole York:to function. So we've got a few things already that we can look
Nicole York:at this week as anybody else in the audience today. And you're
Nicole York:you're having some internal conflict or some things that you
Nicole York:struggle with yourself. that you would love to hear maybe some
Nicole York:ways that we can tackle it or even if we can just explore what
Nicole York:that means and what it looks like. So we can try to move on
Nicole York:from there, feel free to raise your hand and would love to hear
Nicole York:what you're struggling with. So we can all attack it together
Nicole York:this week. Anybody else feel free to raise your hand. I want
Nicole York:to make sure that we get some time I know folks are at work.
Nicole York:And so of course, you always have the option of sharing this
Nicole York:in the Facebook group as well. Stacey, I see your handle grab,
Nicole York:yeah. And then when you share yours, I'm gonna go ahead and go
Nicole York:grab the face. So
Unknown:okay, I'm driving. So I hope you can hear me all right.
Unknown:It might sound silly, but I actually really struggle with
Unknown:speaking up for myself. And I just spent a couple of days at
Unknown:our state fall convention and talking to some people about
Unknown:trying to get my business going, because now I had to get a job
Unknown:job. And I really don't like having a job job. And I'm also
Unknown:sharing a studio with somebody and I had my one session in the
Unknown:studio this month, and I got there and there was just like,
Unknown:the place was trashed, with like newborn stuff, and I was like
Unknown:doing a sale and trying to shoot a senior. And she's taken over
Unknown:like 90% of the space. And I'm really happy that she's working
Unknown:a lot. But I've crammed into this one corner now. And I'm
Unknown:paying half the rent. And I'm really struggling to say
Unknown:anything, but I need to because I need to be able to set up my
Unknown:space to work. And I don't know why I can stand up for everybody
Unknown:else. But I'm dealing with that right?
Nicole York:Yes, that sounds familiar. I know a lot of
Nicole York:people. I know a lot of people can commiserate with you there.
Nicole York:And so if we take that and break that apart a little bit. Do you
Nicole York:think if you were to examine it that it comes from I mean, there
Nicole York:obviously could be many potential things we could be
Nicole York:looking at. I'm not really worth somebody taking the trouble of
Nicole York:standing up for including myself. That could be I don't
Nicole York:like having people mad at me or upset with me, I'm a people
Nicole York:pleaser, I need them to like me. And this is a potential
Nicole York:confrontation that i i that may result in tension that I don't
Nicole York:want to have like, and usually there's multiple things there.
Nicole York:But when you look at that, can you pick out anything in
Nicole York:particular, that might really be the kind of the heart of not
Nicole York:being able to stand up for yourself?
Unknown:I mean, I've looked at it a little bit with my
Unknown:therapist. And it's a feeling of undeserving, and you know, she's
Unknown:there more, so it's fine. And I don't want to rock the boat. And
Unknown:I don't want to Yeah, I don't want to upset anybody. But then
Unknown:there's another part of me that's like screaming inside.
Unknown:Like, why is your exercise bike in the middle of the studio
Unknown:today?
Unknown:I guess because I'm not there. I'm not high volume. And so I
Unknown:feel like I don't want to inconvenience her because she's
Unknown:the one who's there all the time. That that's silly.
Nicole York:Yeah, no, that makes sense. And I mean, of
Nicole York:course she's capable of using the space and then putting
Nicole York:things away. I mean, of course she's capable of. So that, you
Nicole York:know, yeah, so Okay. feelings of unworthiness are 100%, something
Nicole York:that will stop us from standing up for ourselves when we should
Nicole York:be. And then having that exacerbated, you're obviously
Nicole York:looking at the situation and trying to find ways to justify
Nicole York:not stepping forward so that you don't have to take that chance.
Nicole York:So that is certainly something we should be looking at this
Nicole York:week. You know, as we were talking about external conflicts
Nicole York:and confrontations last week, we mostly talked about the things
Nicole York:that we can do in order to prepare ourselves to set the
Nicole York:situation up so that when we have that confrontation, it goes
Nicole York:well, but we didn't talk a whole lot, which is why this week, I
Nicole York:think is so important. We didn't talk a whole lot about what's
Nicole York:going on internally, what might stop us from being able to take
Nicole York:those steps and move forward effectively. So learning how to
Nicole York:be an advocate for ourselves, I think, is definitely something
Nicole York:we should look at. And also just something to keep in mind.
Nicole York:Because I do this as well. Sometimes, when we don't when we
Nicole York:decide not to have those confrontations or not Not to let
Nicole York:somebody know what we need from them, we are blocking them from
Nicole York:the ability to do something good for us. And I know it's a weird
Nicole York:way to think of it. Because so often, what we feel like we're
Nicole York:doing is imposing on people showing up and being needy and
Nicole York:imposing on people, when what we're actually doing is giving
Nicole York:them the chance to participate in a relationship, because our
Nicole York:relationships are give and take, and they're there. There's
Nicole York:something that each person has to contribute to. And what stems
Nicole York:from that contribution is a stronger bond and a better
Nicole York:relationship and a healthier thing for all of us to
Nicole York:interpret, for all of us to participate in. And the wild
Nicole York:thing is that if we are participating in a relationship
Nicole York:where we're only ever taking, that's not good for us, we need
Nicole York:to be making those compromises for somebody else, in order to
Nicole York:feel like we have poured into that relationship. And when we
Nicole York:don't allow other people to do that for us, we don't allow them
Nicole York:to meet our needs, we don't allow them that participation in
Nicole York:a big way, we're stealing something from them too, which
Nicole York:isn't something that we always think about. So as we get into
Nicole York:this discussion that this week, maybe that's something for us to
Nicole York:keep in mind, the fact that when we advocate for ourselves, not
Nicole York:only are we being a good example, for the folks that are
Nicole York:around us, because likely there are times in their lives when
Nicole York:they don't advocate for themselves as well, and seeing
Nicole York:somebody stand up and say, hey, you know, here's what's going
Nicole York:on, I really need to have this talk, I would appreciate it if
Nicole York:then hopefully, they'll feel empowered to be able to do the
Nicole York:same thing for themselves. But we're also allowing them to show
Nicole York:up for us. And if somebody were to say to me, my relationship
Nicole York:with you would be better if, and that gives me the opportunity to
Nicole York:show up on your behalf. And I appreciate that. So just
Nicole York:something I think for us to keep in mind as we tackle this,
Nicole York:because it's really, really difficult sometimes to be our
Nicole York:own advocate. So that's 100%, an internal conflict that we should
Nicole York:be looking at. Alright, y'all, anybody else have anything, now
Nicole York:is the time to raise your hand, we're going to start moving into
Nicole York:the topic of conversation for today. Becca was the first
Nicole York:person to raise her hand. So I think we're going to start
Nicole York:there. And be thinking about how you respond when the environment
Nicole York:that you've built for yourself falls out of whack. What's going
Nicole York:on in our head, that stops us from being able to produce being
Nicole York:able to work being able to get things done, there's something
Nicole York:going on internally there. So Becca, maybe you can kind of
Nicole York:expound on that just a little bit. So we get kind of a good
Nicole York:base point to start, so that we know what apparently the dog
Nicole York:doesn't know who his people are anymore. You come down the
Nicole York:stairs, and he's like, who are you? Yeah, maybe you can expand
Nicole York:on that a little bit. So that we have kind of a good basis to
Nicole York:start tackling what's going on internally
Bekka Bjorke:when are invited. Yeah, I mean it's like, I can't
Bekka Bjorke:just force myself to do things, and maybe it's some combination
Bekka Bjorke:of all the many things that have been mentioned too, like fear of
Bekka Bjorke:success, or you know, like, I don't know, just not getting out
Bekka Bjorke:of my own way. Kind of like, just because something happens.
Bekka Bjorke:Doesn't mean it needs to, like completely disrupt whatever else
Bekka Bjorke:I'm doing, like it's so stupid. I don't know, I just I I
Bekka Bjorke:obviously can't control everything all the time. And
Bekka Bjorke:there's certainly times where I love to kind of fly by the seat
Bekka Bjorke:of my pants. And you know, I love the candid nature of
Bekka Bjorke:certain situations, like you know, when you're on when you're
Bekka Bjorke:on set, right? Like, that is a totally different environment
Bekka Bjorke:than like having a computer and having to retouch or you know,
Bekka Bjorke:having to make a painting or having to respond to emails or
Bekka Bjorke:whatever like it's completely dysfunctional to think that I'm
Bekka Bjorke:never going to have distractions the phone's never going to ring
Bekka Bjorke:my kids are never going to you know, show up and start yanking
Bekka Bjorke:on my sleeve and mommy, mommy mommy or, you know, whatever or
Bekka Bjorke:you something annoying will happen and like completely
Bekka Bjorke:upturned my day I don't know it's really dumb. And I don't
Bekka Bjorke:know how to get over.
Nicole York:It's not dumb. It's not dumb. But I'm gonna I'm
Nicole York:gonna push into this a little bit just to try to pull out more
Nicole York:information. So when this happen Is this a distraction comes
Nicole York:along or something out of the ordinary or something, you know,
Nicole York:shows up that removes you from your normal routine. And all of
Nicole York:a sudden, everything has to stop like, well, now it's ruined kind
Nicole York:of thing, or is something?
Bekka Bjorke:Yeah, yeah, it's definitely like that, like I
Bekka Bjorke:definitely am. Unfortunately, the victim of inspiration more
Bekka Bjorke:often than not, which is great sometimes when it's going well.
Bekka Bjorke:But other times, it's when that flow is interrupted, that it's
Bekka Bjorke:like, oh, well, I just can't get back into work mode. So I'm
Bekka Bjorke:going to go, you know, I don't know gum Doom, scroll through
Bekka Bjorke:Facebook for 20 minutes, and then I'll feel better. But then
Bekka Bjorke:20 minutes is two hours. And I completely, there's no reason I
Bekka Bjorke:should do that. Like, getting back into that that zone is like
Bekka Bjorke:really, really tough. I think a lot of it just comes down to
Bekka Bjorke:like, being distractible and not being able to focus, which might
Bekka Bjorke:be something a lot deeper. But yeah, it's just I, it's like,
Bekka Bjorke:oh, well, my moods been ruined. So let's just make it worse by
Bekka Bjorke:not.
Nicole York:And then not being productive, and then all of a
Nicole York:sudden feeling bad about ourselves because we weren't
Nicole York:productive and we weren't capable. And you fall into the,
Nicole York:the, all of the kind of all that negative self talk that just
Nicole York:seems to reinforce the fact that you're not capable of doing
Nicole York:things. And yeah, it becomes a big mental mess.
Unknown:That is exactly it.
Sissela:Yep. Yes.
Nicole York:Okay. So this is I empathize with you here really,
Nicole York:really deeply. Because as anybody who has had to write as
Nicole York:part of their living will know, it is impossible to write when
Nicole York:you're distracted. I can, I can talk and paint, I can talk and
Nicole York:sketch, I can talk and edit a photo, I cannot talk and write
Nicole York:at the same time because I have to be able to hear my internal
Nicole York:voice and having somebody my kids constantly interrupting
Nicole York:that. Oh, it's so frustrating. And it's really difficult.
Nicole York:You're 100%, right, for us to get into those flow states where
Nicole York:we feel like things are happening, and we're moving on
Nicole York:the inspiration we have, and we're confident and we're
Nicole York:competent, like that is a place that you have to fight to get
Nicole York:into. And once it's taken from you, it's even worse, like it's
Nicole York:even worse, trying to get back into it. So I think there's a
Nicole York:couple things that we can look at. First, you're right, there's
Nicole York:it's always worth considering whether there's something deeper
Nicole York:going on. Whether there's, you know, like attention span issues
Nicole York:that are happening. And
Nicole York:I, one, obviously, sometimes this is a physical thing. But
Nicole York:there are other times when this is literally a result of having
Nicole York:programmed ourselves to have a five second attention span by
Nicole York:constantly switching our attention between the
Nicole York:notification we just got on our phone and the message that we
Nicole York:got and somebody called and somebody knocked and, and, you
Nicole York:know, they've been looking at this as something that actually
Nicole York:has long term deleterious effects on our ability to focus.
Nicole York:So the first thing I think, is that you're absolutely right, we
Nicole York:have to start by controlling our environment as far as we can, by
Nicole York:turning off notifications, by not having an app on our phone,
Nicole York:by making sure we're logged out of things or etc, etc. There's a
Nicole York:lot of different things that we can do to try to have an
Nicole York:environmental control. But of course, there's going to be
Nicole York:things like kids or emergencies or other stuff that just will
Nicole York:pop up that does need to be dealt with. So when that
Nicole York:happens, how do we handle those things? And from my experience,
Nicole York:one of the things that has been successful is I give myself a
Nicole York:reset button. And I do this with my dog. And this is gonna sound
Nicole York:weird, but I'll try to explain it as best I can. So my dog
Nicole York:Hurley, we got him right before the quarantine happened. In
Nicole York:2020. We got him right before Christmas, he was so cute and
Nicole York:small. And we were just starting to introduce him to other dogs
Nicole York:and strangers when we ended up on lockdown. And so he's a COVID
Nicole York:puppy, which means he's really dog reactive. When he sees other
Nicole York:dogs. He's like, Oh, no danger. And so taking him for a walk is
Nicole York:really difficult. One of the things that I started doing with
Nicole York:him is breaking that habit by anytime he starts to pull or
Nicole York:lunge or he starts we call it he's hunting like he's looking
Nicole York:for dogs and yards or anything to react to. I stopped walking
Nicole York:immediately. And I've taught him that that means he needs to turn
Nicole York:around and come back and he'll he'll come and he'll Syd, and
Nicole York:then we don't start going again until he makes eye contact,
Nicole York:voluntary eye contact with me, he will sit there the whole time
Nicole York:until he looks up at me. And we have eye contact. And I know
Nicole York:that he's now paying attention to me. And once he does that, it
Nicole York:breaks that cycle of, ooh, somebody's going to get us where
Nicole York:a danger got to be on the hunt. It breaks that cycle and allows
Nicole York:him to move into the walk now with a refreshed mental state.
Nicole York:And I have to do this for myself as well. And usually, I'll do it
Nicole York:by going for a walk. It's almost like a palate cleanser, after
Nicole York:you know smelling too many things or eating really, you
Nicole York:know, things that are really flavorful or whatever. It's
Nicole York:almost like, it's, it's building a new habit into the routine, so
Nicole York:that if something happens, I go for a walk, I'm by myself, I
Nicole York:think through where I was at before. For me most of the time,
Nicole York:this is thinking through, like the plot what's happening with
Nicole York:the characters, whatever's going on. So I can get myself back
Nicole York:into that state without the distractions of, you know,
Nicole York:phone, or Facebook or whatever is around. And then when I come
Nicole York:back, I'm prepared to get back down to work. So I know we've
Nicole York:talked about habit loops before. But if you haven't heard this,
Nicole York:basically, a habit is an activity that is repeated so
Nicole York:many times that it goes on autopilot, and it will almost
Nicole York:always begin with a trigger. And usually that trigger is
Nicole York:something we don't even realize. So if you are a smoker or you
Nicole York:know a smoker, probably you'll realize that they will always
Nicole York:have a cigarette after they've eaten, or with a cup of coffee,
Nicole York:or when they're stressed, they're just certain things that
Nicole York:happen that will trigger that habit loop. And for us, if we
Nicole York:have allowed ourselves. When something happens that comes
Nicole York:along to interrupt our flow, or our day, that kills our buzz, or
Nicole York:whatever
Nicole York:we immediately go looking for because you're in a really
Nicole York:fantastic dopamine state. While that's happening, while you're
Nicole York:in flow, you go along looking for something to replace that.
Nicole York:And so the habit is then to open up Facebook, or to check your
Nicole York:messages are to pull up your emails or whatever, which of
Nicole York:course, then makes it a lot more difficult to get back into that
Nicole York:state. So if you can build yourself a habit trigger, that
Nicole York:is like a palette cleanse that is something that gives you a
Nicole York:chance to kind of refresh so that you can start again, well,
Nicole York:that might be a really great thing to consider. Just to build
Nicole York:that into the way that you work. So kiddo shows up, need
Nicole York:something gets at you. ruins everything. Children ruin
Nicole York:everything. Just kidding. You know, I love my kids. But I
Nicole York:mean, sometimes it feels that way. Right? So what is something
Nicole York:maybe that you can build into the day, so that it can help to
Nicole York:kind of reset things. And that could be like making a cup of
Nicole York:tea? Or, you know, going for a walk around the block or
Nicole York:whatever. I mean, there's a million things to potentially
Nicole York:choose from, but that might be an external way to force some
Nicole York:internal results. Does anybody else have any experience with
Nicole York:that? And anything that they do to kind of help mitigate? What's
Nicole York:going on?
Nicole York:No, maybe not. Becca, it's just you and me.
Unknown:on the Hot Mess Express
Nicole York:I would drive the struggle bus up to the press and
Nicole York:then climb on. So I mean, does that sound at all like, familiar
Nicole York:or maybe something you think is worth trying in those
Nicole York:situations?
Bekka Bjorke:Yeah, yeah. And habit building is like something
Bekka Bjorke:I just in general, like have never been good at and I feel
Bekka Bjorke:like I can read every inspirational book and like make
Bekka Bjorke:every you know schedule and like alarm system, like try to get
Bekka Bjorke:myself into creating good habits. And I just, I don't know
Bekka Bjorke:something doesn't click in my brain for that particular skill
Bekka Bjorke:set. And I try still trying to keep trying but um, yeah, one of
Bekka Bjorke:one of those things that I'm just still on the struggle bus
Bekka Bjorke:about um, but yeah, I think maybe maybe after if you break
Bekka Bjorke:it down a little bit, it's more kind of getting into that flow
Bekka Bjorke:state from the get go. Yeah, kind of might be where my
Bekka Bjorke:struggle is. Yeah,
Nicole York:and I mean, I think I think the trick with at least
Nicole York:that I have noticed and I know I've talked about my, my journey
Nicole York:with fitness. I know I've talked about that before, but one of
Nicole York:the things that I really noticed heavily is if I am trying to
Nicole York:force myself to build a habit around something I don't like
Nicole York:doing. The chances of me actually following through are
Nicole York:like slim to none. I may get myself into it for a few days.
Nicole York:While that mode Motivation lasts, like, you know, you
Nicole York:mentioned reading motivational books, and you have all this
Nicole York:inspiration and you're like, Ooh, I'm gonna do the thing. But
Nicole York:when it's something you just inherently don't like, trying to
Nicole York:force yourself to like, is really freakin difficult and
Nicole York:just adds a whole nother layer of this probably isn't going to
Nicole York:happen to the equation. So I've noticed that if I can build that
Nicole York:habit around something I actually do enjoy. Like, if I
Nicole York:can say for sure, you know what, when this happens, I'm just
Nicole York:going to stop, go downstairs and make myself a cup of tea. Take a
Nicole York:minute just to chill and really be present in the process of
Nicole York:making the tea. I know that sounds weird, hang in there and
Nicole York:explain this even more, then I'm going to be in a much better
Nicole York:headspace. I'm not going to have any more of the irritation of
Nicole York:not being in the flow state where I was like really working
Nicole York:well and enjoying myself, I'm not going to be mad at the
Nicole York:distraction, because I just did an action that I actually really
Nicole York:enjoy. So one of the things I've always really appreciated about
Nicole York:traditional Japanese culture, is the fact that they take everyday
Nicole York:things and turn them almost into ceremonies. And this does a few
Nicole York:things for you. When you take an action and you turn it into a
Nicole York:ceremony, you're telling yourself number one that this
Nicole York:thing is important, this thing that it's connected to is
Nicole York:important. You're also slowing yourself down and forcing
Nicole York:yourself to be present in the action itself. So what I mean by
Nicole York:this is, I have got when I make tea, I have a couple of parts of
Nicole York:the making tea that I really enjoy. One of them is the tea
Nicole York:pot itself. I know this is gonna sound crazy, but hang in with
Nicole York:me. The teapot is just beautiful. It's just as
Nicole York:beautiful. lucru said teapot, it's blue. It's gorgeous. It
Nicole York:looks like it belongs in like a fairytale farmhouse somewhere.
Nicole York:And I have a little honey plot a little honey jar. That's like
Nicole York:the avatar for all honey jars. It's what every honey jar has
Nicole York:always longed to be, it's just cute and fat, and it's got to be
Nicole York:on it. And it's yellow. And it has a cute little lid. And it's
Nicole York:so cute, that there is inherent joy for me just in using these
Nicole York:things. When I see them, I love them, I'm excited to use them
Nicole York:using them makes me happy. So when I'm making the tea, I have
Nicole York:turned it into a kind of a ceremony I have this really
Nicole York:beautiful loose leaf robust tea that is called Apple empanada.
Nicole York:It's locally made, it smells fantastic. I take that time when
Nicole York:I hit my water, I use a cup I really love, I slow down a lot
Nicole York:and I just allow the process and I make the process something I
Nicole York:just really enjoy doing. So in a way I'm rewarding myself with
Nicole York:something that I like to get myself back on the path that I
Nicole York:want to be on. And it's not forcing myself to go to the gym,
Nicole York:right it is actually doing something I really enjoy where I
Nicole York:can be present. And then that all of a sudden becomes the
Nicole York:habit loop trigger instead of forcing myself to do something I
Nicole York:don't like then the habit becomes really, really easy to
Nicole York:build. So I hope I hope that that makes sense.
Cat Ford-Coates:I like that you sort of lead with the tying it
Cat Ford-Coates:to something you appreciate. Hang on one second, I'm going to
Cat Ford-Coates:make a really loud noise. Sorry, my microwaves being crazy pants.
Cat Ford-Coates:Um, one of the things that I do when I'm building habits that I
Cat Ford-Coates:don't necessarily love. And this is for anybody who is motivated
Cat Ford-Coates:by money, make it expensive. Whatever the habit is somehow
Cat Ford-Coates:figure out a way to make it expensive. Whether it like for
Cat Ford-Coates:me right now I invested in this like coaching program, and I
Cat Ford-Coates:knew that if it wasn't going to hurt my bank account to pay for
Cat Ford-Coates:it, that I wouldn't do it. But I'd be like no, because I can
Cat Ford-Coates:work on autopilot and survive and just stay right here. But if
Cat Ford-Coates:I make hurt like oh, this is this is gonna cost a lot of
Cat Ford-Coates:money. Oh, this already is costing a lot of well by God,
Cat Ford-Coates:I'm going to show up and I'm going to fill out that fucking
Cat Ford-Coates:spreadsheet every goddamn day, do the things to build the
Cat Ford-Coates:habits that I know I need to build in order to grow to the
Cat Ford-Coates:next level in the business. If it's the gym, like choose the
Cat Ford-Coates:expensive one with people you enjoy being around. If it is, I
Cat Ford-Coates:don't know. Like I want to pick up reading every day like Okay,
Cat Ford-Coates:so if I'm going to read maybe I'm going to pay for a
Cat Ford-Coates:subscription to somebody who's going to send me books every
Cat Ford-Coates:month and like you know whatever because I I know that I am
Cat Ford-Coates:motivated by money, like the loss of it as well as the game.
Cat Ford-Coates:So if I'm building habits, I'm anything that I can do to make
Cat Ford-Coates:that habit worthwhile for me, I'm going to make sure that it
Cat Ford-Coates:costs me
Sissela:something. So that makes perfect sense of having
Sissela:something either expensive or something beautiful. Nicole
Sissela:until you talked about, about your tea pot, and your cup and
Sissela:your honey pot and everything like that I and how you needed
Sissela:it to be beautiful, I realized, I do the same thing with
Sissela:journals, like, Okay, I need, I need to either journal or write
Sissela:down notes for my business or whatnot. So I need these
Sissela:journals to be freaking magnificent. So I go on Etsy,
Sissela:and I buy the most amazing journals. And I'm like, I gotta
Sissela:have these I want I can't just sit there, they need to be used.
Sissela:So I'm going to write in them. Sorry. So that that what you
Sissela:said there actually made a lot of sense. And I realized that do
Sissela:the same things. And finding, like finding things that we
Sissela:love. And appreciate just like from that childish, pure, giddy
Sissela:joy is like, Oh, I love this teacup. Oh, I love this
Sissela:notebook. Actually just bought a beautiful mark. Same reason.
Nicole York:Yeah, it's wild, it doesn't seem like that should be
Nicole York:a thing, right? But when we think about it all the way, it
Nicole York:makes perfect sense that it would be difficult to force
Nicole York:ourselves to do things that we don't love. Like, why would I
Nicole York:torture myself that way? Why would I go to the gym and run on
Nicole York:a treadmill? When I could be climbing a rock wall? Like, why
Nicole York:would I do that to myself, right. And so for me, that
Nicole York:method of exercise, it's not hard for me to make that into a
Nicole York:habit. In fact, it will do it all by itself, because I enjoy
Nicole York:the process so much. And even though the process of making the
Nicole York:tea is not the process of getting back into the flow
Nicole York:state, what happens is, that process of making the tea
Nicole York:becomes the habit trigger for the next thing, which is moving
Nicole York:forward with a clear head. And when you do that trigger, that
Nicole York:habit loop trigger, your brain will automatically start moving
Nicole York:toward the next step in the habit loop. If you have ever
Nicole York:driven yourself to work, when you meant to go to the store,
Nicole York:you will know what that looks like your brain goes, Oh, we
Nicole York:grabbed our keys we put on our shoes we got in the car, we're
Nicole York:going to work. And so you'll just start driving there without
Nicole York:even realizing you're doing it. And your brain wants to complete
Nicole York:that habit loop. Real real badly. It is built into your
Nicole York:basal ganglia, which is a part of your brain that you don't
Nicole York:have conscious access to. Even if you were to have an accident
Nicole York:where parts of your brain were damaged, those habits would
Nicole York:still complete themselves. So it's a really wild part of our
Nicole York:physiology of our brains. But having something you enjoy be
Nicole York:the trigger of the habit, man, that just makes the whole
Nicole York:process way, way easier. And it seems silly that a beautiful
Nicole York:piece of crockery should be such a thing. But it really is a
Nicole York:thing just like your your gorgeous journals. And now I I'm
Nicole York:just about done. I I've been keeping a journal since I was
Nicole York:13. So I'm just about done with the one I have now I need to
Nicole York:replace it. And now you've got me wondering like, the one I
Nicole York:have now is very Persian inspired. It looks like an
Nicole York:illuminated manuscript. It's really beautiful. So now I gotta
Nicole York:get on Etsy and get myself.
Cat Ford-Coates:Alright, they're already they're already
Cat Ford-Coates:journals. And now I have a stack of like at gajillion journals
Cat Ford-Coates:that are all half finished, because then I get a new one.
Cat Ford-Coates:And I'm like, oh, but this one's pretty. I'll start here and this
Cat Ford-Coates:one will be for work.
Unknown:Or I'll cheat myself to viewtiful journal and then I'll
Unknown:actually do
Unknown:that's my conversation.
Nicole York:Yes, right. Make it expensive, right. Like get
Nicole York:yourself a gorgeous one. You can't ignore it. Lindsay, I see.
Nicole York:I'm seeing that your hand is up and I'm not sure. For some
Nicole York:reason it wouldn't let me click on you. But I am I am trying to
Nicole York:bring you up. So yes, as we Okay, so for maybe some reason
Nicole York:your hand it accidentally got clicked, but that's okay. So
Nicole York:yeah, maybe part of the trick of this whole process is an
Nicole York:external one to get an internal result. But there really, I
Nicole York:mean, if we dig, there's always the potential that there's
Nicole York:something internal going on, in addition to the fact of Getting
Nicole York:those distractions that kind of pull us out of our, our flow. Do
Nicole York:you ever notice, Becca, the things that you say to yourself
Nicole York:when that happens? Like, do you have any kind of internal
Nicole York:narrative that accompanies these things? Do you say to yourself
Nicole York:Great, now, I'm never going to be able to finish this? Or, of
Nicole York:course, this would happen, right? At this point. Now I
Nicole York:can't or whatever, like, Do you have any internal stuff going
Nicole York:on? That maybe contributes to not being able to get back
Nicole York:there? Hello, voice
Unknown:inside my head. Yeah, you You nailed it, at least a
Unknown:good chunk of it? Totally. Um, yeah, I get incredibly
Unknown:frustrated. And I
Bekka Bjorke:hit that point of like, well, I might as well just
Bekka Bjorke:not even do it. I might as well just refund their money, because
Bekka Bjorke:it's never gonna get done. Or, you know, this is like, whatever
Bekka Bjorke:bullshit, I can tell myself. That's completely negative.
Bekka Bjorke:untrue. I do.
Nicole York:Yep, there's a reason I know what you're
Nicole York:thinking. We might be long distance sharing the same brain.
Nicole York:So yeah, I think I think that is kind of the completion. Oh,
Nicole York:sorry, I just got a text. I'm sure that was probably loud. So
Nicole York:I think that's kind of the completion. Like when we, when
Nicole York:we look at things that happen in these circumstances, we've got
Nicole York:two things that are going on, we have like the physical
Nicole York:manifestation of what's ever going on, and then we've have
Nicole York:our internal dialogue about what's going on. Or I should
Nicole York:say, monologue, hopefully, we're not having a dialogue. If we
Nicole York:are, we need to have a chat about that, and find out who
Nicole York:else is in your brain. Um, I've think I've got like five people
Nicole York:in my brain. So probably, I actually am having an internal
Nicole York:dialogue. But anyway. So we have the thing that happens, right?
Nicole York:Like, we have the trigger, we have the kid who shows up, or
Nicole York:the client who calls or something that happens that
Nicole York:pulls us away from whatever we're doing. And then we have
Nicole York:our internal response to that we have, of course, this would
Nicole York:happen, and I'm never gonna finish this. And, you know, all
Nicole York:I needed was just five minutes of silence, or whatever it is
Nicole York:these really natural and understandable reactions to some
Nicole York:kind of stimulus. But what we have to keep in mind is what we
Nicole York:tell ourselves about what happens is really going to
Nicole York:determine what we do next. And if my response is, okay,
Nicole York:clearly, I needed a break. Now, I'm just going to go for a walk,
Nicole York:I like going for a walk, I like being outside, I want the sun on
Nicole York:my face. So that's a good thing. For me, I like being out in
Nicole York:nature, I can tell myself that if that happens, going for a
Nicole York:walk around the block is a great thing. Like, okay, cool, I'll be
Nicole York:an end, if I believe that I can get back into that space. If I
Nicole York:believe I can be like, I got this. No problem, I'm gonna go
Nicole York:for a walk and get some sun on my face gonna come back and make
Nicole York:this should happen? Or if my answer is now I get to go make
Nicole York:tea, like, there's a whole different physical and emotional
Nicole York:state that you're in all of the sudden. And granted, that's not
Nicole York:going to come naturally, right? Our natural inclination is
Nicole York:always going to be to fall back down to the level of our comfort
Nicole York:zone. And if we are used to talking shit to ourselves about
Nicole York:ourselves, that's exactly what we're going to do. I know this
Nicole York:son, sorry, my teenager is giving me signals like I'm not
Nicole York:paying attention to the clock. If we're automatically going to
Nicole York:want to fall back into that space, it is a difficult
Nicole York:process. And it takes effort to change those internal
Nicole York:narratives. But once we recognize they're there, and we
Nicole York:know what we're saying to ourselves, it becomes an
Nicole York:entirely different ballgame to go, Okay, now that I know I do
Nicole York:that to myself, I'm going to catch it. When I hear myself go,
Nicole York:oh, great, Everything's ruined. I'm going to respond to myself.
Nicole York:No, I've proven with a long track record. Every time this
Nicole York:happens, I still get things done. I just need a break. I'm
Nicole York:going to go do something I enjoy. But I'm going to set a
Nicole York:timer. That way, I make sure I'm back here to get started. And
Nicole York:it's a process and it's effort. But if you can make it a process
Nicole York:you enjoy the results are going to be entirely different. So as
Nicole York:we near the end of the hour, I want to get any final thoughts
Nicole York:from everybody. If you've experienced the same thing that
Nicole York:Becca and I go through, where this process of being
Nicole York:interrupted becomes incredibly difficult and frustrating, makes
Nicole York:getting back to work really hard. triggers all of these
Nicole York:negative thoughts about yourself and what you can do and what
Nicole York:you're capable of makes it difficult to get back to work to
Nicole York:be productive, all those things. Would love to hear from you.
Nicole York:What do you do that works? Or what are your thoughts on this
Nicole York:issue in general, and then we'll close up. And we'll take
Nicole York:everything we talked about today, these different things,
Nicole York:this fear of success, this perfectionism, this
Nicole York:vulnerability of having everybody know what you're about
Nicole York:to do when you hang up your, your business sign all of those
Nicole York:things, and we will discuss them during this week. But for now,
Nicole York:anybody have any experiences like Becca?
Sissela:Well, for me, it's more comment on what you've just
Sissela:said. It's about negative self talk. And I think we highly
Sissela:underestimate how much negative self talk goes on on a day to
Sissela:day basis for ourselves. And it's just, it's not just in the,
Sissela:oh, no, I'm a failure. It's having negative statements. I
Sissela:think the power of language is so incredibly important. And we
Sissela:tend to forget about it. So instead of saying, Hey, I'm a
Sissela:freaking failure today, you say, Okay, I just need to nurture
Sissela:myself a little bit more, what is it that I actually need? Like
Sissela:you said, Nicole, check in with yourself and have a conversation
Sissela:and be curious about what's going on inside of you. Instead
Sissela:of just jumping to the default of, I'm a failure, or I'm lazy,
Sissela:that's my negative self talk. I'm lazy. Oh, what else goes on,
Sissela:but like, quit the negative statements, and try to rework
Sissela:them in a positive way. Stop yourself, as you said, Nicole,
Sissela:and try to be a little more graceful towards yourself. I
Sissela:think that one has been a who made a huge difference in my
Sissela:life, of how I beat myself up, I don't do it as much anymore
Sissela:because of change of language around what I do and how I do
Sissela:it.
Unknown:The mother, Can people hear me? We can hear. Okay,
Unknown:thank you. Yeah, I'm about to drop the kid off at school. So
Unknown:looks like I'll be able to be here for the whole time, as long
Unknown:as you don't mind car noise. But I think that that's so wise to
Unknown:sulla. And also, something that you said, reminded me of our
Unknown:friend Jonas, and I think it might have been a little while
Unknown:since he's been here with us. But one of the things he said,
Unknown:that has stuck with me for a long time, is that often our
Unknown:responses to things, particularly if our responses
Unknown:are negative, often means we have a need somewhere that's not
Unknown:being met. And I think that's, you know, like when you said,
Unknown:when we check in with ourselves, that's a really good question
Unknown:for us to ask ourselves is, is there a need that's not being
Unknown:met in this situation? And so my response is a negative one,
Unknown:like, is there a possibility that what I need from somebody
Unknown:is affirmation, or help, or a reminder that I've been in this
Unknown:situation before and come through it, okay. Like, there
Unknown:may be some need there that is not getting met. And if we can
Unknown:pinpoint it, then that may be kind of the key to making sure
Unknown:that the situation does not evolve that way, the next time.
Unknown:So maybe something also to think about there. Any other final
Unknown:thoughts, guys, as we draw,
Unknown:I just want to say I really appreciate looking at, like, for
Unknown:me, I know, it's pure luxury at this point that my kids are out
Unknown:of the house from seven to three. But when I get a call,
Unknown:and someone's sick or so and I've just like on a roll it just
Unknown:I'm still like, I know, I'm okay, I'm gonna be in a great
Unknown:mood by the time I get to the school and pick them up, or you
Unknown:know, but right now, I mean, I'm still when I'm sitting at my
Unknown:desk, and I'm in my house by myself, I will still yell, I
Unknown:will give myself permission to just exert whatever needs to
Unknown:happen. And then I really appreciate what you said. And
Unknown:just like, like that, I'm going to create an opportunity to you
Unknown:in that break in that stopping in that pause of the day to do
Unknown:something nice for myself, and just like step back, and then go
Unknown:take care of the child or whatever else has to happen.
Unknown:Yeah, I love that Juliet. And I agree, I think it's definitely
Unknown:really important for us. The last thing we want to do is try
Unknown:to smash our emotions, right? You're right, we do need to give
Unknown:ourselves the freedom to express what we're feeling. And I think
Unknown:the trick to that is to recognize that emotions, the
Unknown:actual emotion itself doesn't actually last very long, but we
Unknown:tend to cling to them and feed them. We take that momentary
Unknown:frustration that actually only physiologically lasts about four
Unknown:seconds, and we feed it right and we continue that that
Unknown:negative self talk that feeds that emotion and continues to
Unknown:make things worse. So the trick is definitely give ourselves
Unknown:that permission, because we don't want to be bottling up our
Unknown:feelings. So feel what we're feeling. And then like you said,
Unknown:you know, change the script, change the narrative, give
Unknown:yourself that self care, that moment to reset. So that the
Unknown:emotion actually, it goes, it happens, we get clear that we
Unknown:get it out. And then we change what we say to ourselves after
Unknown:that. So we're not just stewing and continuing to chew that
Unknown:emotion until it makes everything else worse. So I
Unknown:think that's a really, really important thing for us to
Unknown:recognize, when we're in these situations that are just super
Unknown:frustrating. Alright, anybody else, as we close in on our
Unknown:final two minutes,
Bekka Bjorke:I'm gonna have to sit with this, this ritual
Bekka Bjorke:thought for a while and kind of stew on it. Because I think that
Bekka Bjorke:I actually kind of ritualize my work in itself. And so that when
Bekka Bjorke:there's an interruption to that particular ritual, that's where
Bekka Bjorke:my frustration stems from, perhaps I'm going to think about
Bekka Bjorke:how to either rebuild the ritual itself, or add something new to
Bekka Bjorke:it. Yeah, I mean, I mean, just kind of as a side tangent on
Bekka Bjorke:that idea of, you know, ceremony rituals, very interesting to me,
Bekka Bjorke:in general, like, I really love the idea of kind of humanism or
Bekka Bjorke:humanistic paganism, which is where the the person and the
Bekka Bjorke:human is divine, rather than anything supernatural, that's
Bekka Bjorke:why you see the similar kinds of ceremony and ritual and, you
Bekka Bjorke:know, making tasks into something greater than just
Bekka Bjorke:tasks all over the world, right. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna sit with
Bekka Bjorke:that one and see how I can adapt a little bit better.
Unknown:I think that's a really great insight to notice about
Unknown:yourself. And something the rest of us can probably use to look
Unknown:at our lives as well. Because there's a really good chance
Unknown:that we're not only kind of ritualizing, things like our
Unknown:work, but we may also be ritualizing things like our
Unknown:negative or negative responses. And, and in a way, that can
Unknown:become a foil in and of itself. And if we can add the, if we can
Unknown:add, like you said, if you can just change the ritual, or add
Unknown:something new to the ritual, then obviously, you know that
Unknown:that alters the whole experience. So absolutely
Unknown:something to think about. And I recognize that this particular
Unknown:issue is not going to resonate with every single person, you
Unknown:may not be the person who suffers this, you may be the
Unknown:person who, when the distraction come up, comes along, you're
Unknown:like, yes, it's a chance for me to recoup for a second before I
Unknown:get back. But for those of us who do, I hope this conversation
Unknown:was helpful. It's also really important to remember and I just
Unknown:want to say, one more time, in case you haven't been here, when
Unknown:we said it, nobody on this panel is a psychiatrist or a
Unknown:psychologist, we're just talking about our own experiences, what
Unknown:we have found that works, and throwing out ideas that you can
Unknown:consider, but it is always always, always the best. If you
Unknown:can get advice from a therapist from, you know, from the people
Unknown:that are licensed to be able to look at your life and give you
Unknown:the best possible advice. This is all for, for learning and
Unknown:considerations. So you have to take this thing and think about
Unknown:it critically and do with it what you will. But these are our
Unknown:experiences. And these are the things that have worked for us
Unknown:are just the things that we think are worth considering. So
Unknown:give it a good look, see if it's something that will fit you. For
Unknown:the rest of the week, we're going to be talking about other
Unknown:kinds of internal conflicts that we have, from the things that
Unknown:have already been brought up by the amazing vulnerable members
Unknown:of this group. Like the difficulty of knowing that once
Unknown:you announce yourself, you have to live up to outside
Unknown:expectations, that fear of failure and knowing how far you
Unknown:have to fall when you've climbed all the way to the top, the
Unknown:difficulty of reaching your goals and then asking yourself
Unknown:now what the struggle of being able to stand up for yourself,
Unknown:of being able to be just to be there for you. of comparison of
Unknown:perfectionism of all the things as artists and people and
Unknown:business persons that we struggle with. We're going to be
Unknown:digging as much as we can into those things this week and
Unknown:seeing how we can, how we can handle them. So be thinking
Unknown:about that today. If you've got something you want to bring up.
Unknown:Don't be afraid to bring that up in the Facebook group as well.
Unknown:The link is up there at the top. And I hope this was a really
Unknown:helpful conversation today at least give you some things to
Unknown:think about and some things you can do. Hopefully we will see
Unknown:you bright and early tomorrow morning at 7am. Mountain
Unknown:Standard Time at 6am for the West Coast 9am for the East
Unknown:Coast. I really hope that we will see you then in the
Unknown:meantime, go make something amazing Have a fantastic day and
Matt Stagliano:thanks again for listening to this live clubhouse
Matt Stagliano:discussion moderated by all of us at the artist Forge. We hope
Matt Stagliano:you found the information useful and that it helps you gain a
Matt Stagliano:little bit of insight as to how you work on your craft. For more
Matt Stagliano:episodes, please join us each weekday on clubhouse or visit
Matt Stagliano:the artists forge.com Go make something incredible
